Being A Mom Dealing With Chronic Pain Sucks
I can understand that this post will sound like an extreme pitty party, and it kind of is. I’m tired of feeling the chronic pain that has taken over my body and my life. My hope with this post is to reach the young women and mothers dealing with a chronic pain illness, and let them know that there is someone else out there who can understand what they’re going through. Being a mom in good physical health is hard on its own. When chronic pain is added to motherhood, it can leave you feeling empty and unable to be the mother you are “supposed” to be. It’s ok to talk about your fears of what’s happening right now. It’s ok to talk about the worries of the future ahead. It’s important to know that there will be good days, when you feel like all of the days seem like a struggle.
I’m sure there are other mothers dealing with this same issue. We are never really alone in our struggles, just far apart. We won’t be able to find people who can relate to what we go through unless we put ourselves out there for others to find.
I wake up everyday with a dozen knives in my back. I get out of bed and go straight to my medication and coffee.
I can’t do everything that I’m supposed to do without them. The everything that a wife, mother, and pet parent has to do. Without those two vital tools I would be laying on the floor with my husband, children, and animals walking over and around me wondering where their coffee, clothes, and food are.
I get up hours before my husband and children do, in order to get my medication into my body to start working on my pain before I have to tackle what a wife and mother’s responsibilities are.
My coffee, I hope, will provide me with a little extra energy.
Some days the drugs work well to control my pain, some days they don’t.
The coffee may provide me with extra energy, it may not. At this point, it’s in my head that I can’t functions without it. An addiction, much like the medications I rely on, to get me through my day.
I’m Feel Like I’m Stuck In A Trap
I must rely on the pills to help me be a working human being. I beg them every morning to help me more today than they did yesterday.
Some days the pills just don’t care about what I have, or want, to do.
Many people may judge me based on what I’ve said so far. Thinking that I rely only on medication to help control my pain. Maybe you can’t understand because you don’t have pain, you don’t have children, or you’re not dealing with both chronic pain and raising children. Or, maybe your’re just one of those people who likes to judge people regardless of their efforts to try and improve themselves.
Actually, I have done many things to try and help treat my chronic pain that doesn’t include narcotics.
I quit smoking, changed my diet, I lost 20 pounds, started light exercise, and given up almost everything physical I used to enjoy doing in order to try and alleviate my pain.
I have given up a lot of things that I used to love in order to help alleviate the pain that attacks my body daily. I’ve given up things that made my life enjoyable, to try and help this pain. I feel like with everything I have done to try and help myself, I should be able to say that these things have helped me, but they really haven’t. Maybe they help my pain from getting worse? But, at what cost?
I take multiple natural supplements to help my body fight what’s happening. I have tried CBD oil, medical marijuana, anti-inflammatory drugs, multiple medical procedures, and have gone gluten-free. Everything I have tried, and continue to implement in my life, has not helped as much as the drugs have, to try and help me lead a “normal” life.
I don’t want to rely on narcotics. I know what they can do and I understand the dangers. But, when I look at my children and I feel like I’m a worthless mother for all of the things I can’t do now, I rely on those drugs to try and help me be the mom my kids deserve.
My Children Are Suffering From My Pain More Than I Am
Some nights I lay in bed thinking about all the things I could have done differently. My regrets would keep me up all night, if I didn’t have medication to help me sleep.
Due to my back pain, I take medication to help me rest. It also helps me from staying up all night worrying about everything.
I bet a lot of people, women in particular, do this. Lay in bed, concerned about everything, past and present, that you would have done, could have done, or should be doing.
I lay in bed, before my meds kick in, and think about all the things I say “No” to my children about. Playing with them, giving piggy back rides, wrestling with my teenager, going places and doing things.
I have to tell them, “I can’t right now, my back hurts.” when they ask. I may not have to tell them no all of the time, but it’s when I do, that breaks my heart and makes me sad.
I think about the times I get frustrated and yell at my children because my pain drains my energy and steals my patience.
Kids can be selfish little A-holes. Kids can be jerks. My kids are just being kids. They’re testing limits and pushing boundaries. But because I’m crippled by pain, I loose my shit much quicker than I should. I get angry at what they do, but I get more angry at myself for not being able to handle what selfish, A-hole jerks my kids can be.
I see it in their eyes, the surprise of my anger. They often don’t understand it, and I’m immediately regretful.
I hate that I have to tell them sorry. Not because I don’t want to apologize, but because I shouldn’t have exploded in the first place.
Sometimes I give up when my kids do things that they really shouldn’t be doing.
The’re not playing with fire or running with scissors.
But when my kids push my limits, I should be making these situations into learning experiences when, during times of severe pain, I just give up. I don’t have the energy to deal with it. I will try and take care of it later.
I can’t handle what it takes to go out into public and be an active parent when I feel like this. Small kids whine and cry and throw fits when they don’t get what they want. I don’t have the energy or the strength to deal with a misbehaving toddler, or the attitude of a teenager, in public. At home I have the security of the house and a yard, where they can do whatever they want inside those boundaries and I’m away from the judgmental glares.
I’m always in some level of pain, some days I can handle it. Some days I can’t.
There are days where I just feel so damn guilty and I;m so tired of telling my kids “No”, that I give my toddler a piggy back ride, or I wrestle with my teenager, because it’s what makes them happy. When my kids are happy, that makes me happy.
Making my kids happy makes my pain worse.
It’s difficult for me to stand for long periods of time, like the time it takes to cook a decent meal. I can’t cook for my family like I used to. Now I try to make easy dinners. Those dinners are not as healthy as the one I used to be able to prepare. I worry about that.
This life is not the life I wanted for my children. It’s not the life I expected for myself.
I get worn down easily and I’m tired all the time. I used to clean and take care of the maintenance around the house. I used to try and do home improvements projects. I used to garden more and take better care of my plants. I rarely sat on my couch and I rarely watched T.V. I used to take the time to teach my children about wrongs and rights. I used to be able to handle their tantrums in public.
The healthcare system in America is such a mess. The war on drugs making chronic pain sufferers, suffer even more. Strict regulations and laws making the doctors more concerned about the drugs they’re prescribing, and less about the actual patient and what they’re going through.
Every doctors appointment only causes frustration, the relief I seek is minimal. The doctors don’t ask me if I’m able to do day to day activities. They’re unable to treat my multiple symptoms. I get 10-15 minutes of their distracted and impatient time, only to feel like they don’t really care about trying to make sure I’m able to function as the wife, mother, and woman that I want to be.
Some Days Are Good Days
Sometimes I have good days and I’m able to be a well functioning mother. These are the days that make me yearn for relief everyday. These are the days that make the bad days so much worse.
I try to take advantage of the good days, do the things that I have had to put off. I may take my daughter to the park, or take my son to the mall. I may spend some more time in my garden, I might pick the weeds in the yard that have been mocking me for weeks. I might even clean my house….maybe I won’t.
I should try to find the joy in the bad days as well. It’s very hard to do that. I try to tell myself that things could be worse., like the days I’m stuck in bed, crying for relief, wondering why I have to deal with this illness.
It’s difficult, depressing, heartbreaking , and disappointing to be a mother in pain. I try not to whine to myself about it too much. But sometimes I just want to cry, feeling so sorry for myself.
I pray that my children will understand that my anger is not their fault, and that I want to be able to function as a normal mother should.
I’m jealous when I see other mothers being able to all of the things that I’m unable to do. Run after their children, pick them up and carry them when they get hurt, get down on the ground and play with their favorite toys.
I want to be able to do everything I used to do. All of the things that I took for granted.
When I look around, it seems as if everyone around me is so able bodied. It makes me feel like no one really understands what I’m going through.
I’m only 37, and the thought of having to go through the rest of my life like this is depressing.
I Try Not To Get Stuck In My Sadness
Some days I have to complain. Some day I have to cry. Some days I just can’t get over my frustration of not being able to do the things I want to do.
It’s ok to complain, cry, and get frustrated. As long as you don’t get stuck there, in the sadness.
Find things that you can do that make you happy, and enjoy the shit out of them!
Don’t feel guilty about taking the medication, if it’s the only thing that can help. Just do it safely.
I try to fill my life with things and people that make me happy. I try to laugh whenever I can. The pain seems to be less whenever I am laughing. I try to do the things that I am able to do as often as my body will let me. I write my thoughts down so they are not constantly stuck in my head, poisoning my mind.
Understand that, even though you may not feel like it all of the time, you are a great mom. We just have to teach and raise our children in a different way. Tell your children that you’re sorry if you loose your patience. Tell your children that you love them. Explain to them when you’re painful and why you can’t do whatever activity they’re asking you to do. Let them know that you will try to do it another day. It may help to teach them how to be compassionate.
Remember that we’re all doing the best that we can, with what we are given.
If you’re a mother dealing with chronic pain, please know that you’re not alone. I would love to hear your stories. I would like to know how you cope with it all. I would like to be your shoulder to cry on, or a friend to talk to, when you feel like no one else is listening, or they just can’t understand.
You can comment on this post, or send me an email to WhyMommaWhy@hotmail.com
Wanna read more about a mom that’s not quite sure what she’s doing? Head over to WhyMommaWhy.blog.
Thanks for reading!