I am completely guilty of hovering over my husband to tell him how to take care of our daughter.
“No, don’t do that!”
“Oh no, she won’t like that!”
“Oh my goodness! Why is she dressed like that?!”
Some mothers are inherent hoverers over their children when our men try to take any hand in the care of the child.
I can understand why.
We made them. We grew them inside of our own bodies for up to, and sometimes over, 9 months. We, as the pregnant woman, sacrificed our bodies, our energy, our coffee, and much much more. We either went through hours of labor, or had our bodies cut in half, to birth these precious little human beings.
If anything were to happen to this fragile little baby, we don’t know what we would do. Our thoughts are constantly filled with fears of what could potentially happen at any moment, of any day, for the rest of their lives.
We’re trying to deal with how to make sure our precious little angels live through the day, mixed with the peer pressure of what society thinks motherhood should look like.
So yes, we freak out.
But something I’m hearing more and more often is;
“Let the dad be a dad”.
It’s a simple little sentence, but can be hard for a new mother to understand; let me try to explain.
Let your husband, partner, or baby daddy, TRY.
Be open to allowing him to put the diaper on; it may not be perfect, and the kid may shit all over you, but at least he tried, right!?
Let him change the diaper, dress the child, feed the child, play with the child. Let him be a dad!
What happened when I didn’t encourage my son’s dad to be a dad?
I spent the first 2 years of my son’s life being the only one to change his diaper. Then, when it was time to potty train him, it was me that did it all. I was the one who did the baths, the feedings, getting him dressed, and combing his hair.
I didn’t encourage his father to participate in any of the daily care, so he didn’t.
He played with our son and he would help me disciplined him on occasion, when needed. But I did everything else.
At the time, I was OK with that. I was 24 years old and fairly active. He was my first born and I loved him so much. Looking back now, I think I wanted to prove that I was a good mother.
Because a good mother can do it all, right?
My son’s dad is a good father, he was just OK with not having to do the stuff that wasn’t fun. Had I encouraged him to participate, it not only would’ve been a relief for me, but it could have made him more prepared to take better care of him in the future.
9 years later, and with a different man, I had another child. My husband and I had a daughter.
He was much more involved than my previous partner was, but I was still a hovering horror.
If I can remember properly, he didn’t do anything right when he tried to care for our daughter. At least by my high standards.
I loved the help, but it was surprising to me. I enjoyed his enthusiasm in helping out, I just wasn’t used to it. But, it was quickly ruined by my judgment of absolutely everything he did.
I also felt like; if he was caring for her, maybe he thought I couldn’t do it. Maybe he felt like I wasn’t doing it right? So I started to do it all, again.
My action of taking over the tasks, and my discouraging words of what he was doing wrong, pushed my husband away from helping me to care for our daughter.
Until recently; almost 6 full years, and a mental breakdown later, I realized all of my mistakes.
I was doing everything again. Only now, I was 9 years older (and not getting any younger), and working a more strenuous and stressful full-time job. There was also the house cleaning, cooking, my son’s needs, and the animals in our house.
I did it all, until I cracked!
I didn’t ask nicely when I told him I couldn’t do it all anymore. I pretty much screeched it at him, with what was probably not a patient tone or pretty looking face.
I Want To Try To Help You, So That You Don’t Get To That Place Of Anxiety And Frustration.
Marriage and parenting can both be compared to a sport, you can only win when you work as a team.
Consider listening to the podcast posted below. I heard it on Monday and it really opened up my eyes to the realization of how important it is to include the dad in the raising of your children, and it inspired me to write this post and share it with you.
I wish I would have heard this 14 years ago, before I had my son.
I’m here today, for the expectant or new mothers of the world, to tell you (or ask you, if you prefer that approach) to let your husbands help. Especially if they’re willing and wanting to do it.
Why have the man be so involved?
Why show that you can’t, and won’t, do it all on your own?
Because you don’t have to.
You have your partner, the father of your child, there to help you. It’s his job to be the dad, just like it’s your job to be the mom.
If you have a partner that’s not into helping, then get them into training asap!
You do NOT want to be the only one caring for your children. Believe me, you don’t want to be in a place of absolute stress and chaos before you break down and demand help to be given. It’s not a healthy place for you to be, and it’s not fair to you, the baby, or the father.
You may love your precious little baby more than you ever imagined you would love another human being, but the baby has a dad for a reason.
You may be a stay at home mom and your husband works, but the baby has a dad for a reason.
You may be a mom that works, and feels guilty for being away from your children while you’re away at work, but they have a dad for a reason.
If you have a husband, or partner, in your life, then try to make sure that they’re involved in the care of your child with you, and that they’re involved in all aspects of raising the kids.
It’s not just your baby. It’s not just his baby. The child was made from both of you.
If you ever need to leave the house, or want to go out with your best girlfriends, or go get your nails done, or a damn massage (because you deserve it, I can guarantee that), then someone’s got to stay behind with your baby.
How’re the dads going to know how to take care of the baby unless you help them, or you may need to encourage (force) them, to learn?
If you already have a partner that wants to help you, encourage them in their attempts to learn.
Encourage them when they’re doing a good job, even if the pony tail is sideways, the kid’s clothes don’t match, or if the diaper is put on backwards .
If you’re a dad, or soon-to-be dad, reading this and your partner starts judging you on the way you’re taking care of the baby… tell her to back the f@&$ off and let you be a dad!
(You don’t have to use those exact words, which may bring some extra drama that you don’t exactly need at this time, but you catch my drift.)
Just let her know that you’re trying to do the best that you can. Ask her if she could help you learn how to improve on the aspects that you’re not so good at. Tell her you’d love to help her out and learn how to work as a team in the care of your child.
(That right there will get you some sweet lovin’. As soon as the doctor clears her for her 6 week check-up, I guarantee that!).
For the moms:
Just let a dad be a dad. As long as he’s not harming your baby, he’s just trying to do the best that he can. We need to try and remember to appreciate that, reward it, and take advantage of it from time to time, especially when we need a little breather or a break.
To All Of The Single Moms Out There
Please know that you are on my mind at all times. You are super heroes, amazing and beautiful. Try to find help where ever you can. Take advantage of the help offered by friends or family members. You deserve a break, and so much more. You are in my prayers!
Wanna read some of life’s crazy moments from a mom that’s not quite sure what she’s doing? Head over to WhyMommaWhy.blog.
I would love to hear any comments you may have about this post! Please let me know what you think.
Thanks for reading!