Warning! This post contains talk of a sexual nature. It’s a responsible talk, but sexual nonetheless. If you have any issues with reading content of a sexual nature, please stop now.
Mothers are women.
It can be hard to feel like a woman when you are surrounded by household tasks, work, dinner, snotty noses, butt wiping, laundry folding, etc. etc. etc.
At the end of the day, you often just want to be left alone and go to sleep. Or stay up a little later than you should to get a few moments to yourself. Sometimes, even a little self care can be involved, like a shower.
It can be hard to feel like a woman when you haven’t had the energy to shower in a few days, you just want to wear the comfortable yoga pants and t-shirt, or you don’t even want to mess with putting any sort of make-up on or doing anything to your hair.
Why take the time to get totally made up, when you’re just going to get dirty, sweaty, thrown up or snot-ed on anyway?
Women are sensual, right? They put on make-up, do their hair and get their nails did. Women pick out form fitting and matching outfits, wear heels or cute sandals to show off their painted toenails with the tiny flower painted on the big toe. And, they finish off by checking their ensemble in the full length mirror to make sure everything looks perfect before walking out the door. Women are attractive, and they have sex.
Mothers, though, are women too.
Mothers are fighting the good fight to make sure their children are fed, dressed, and prepared. Often at the expense of ignoring themselves.
Mothers used to be considered women. They once did all the primping that made them attractive, and what brought about the start of a sexual relationship with another person to begin with.
That’s what we thought anyway.
That physical attraction has nothing, really, to do with what you wore or the make-up you put on. It had to do with the confidence you felt, once you applied those superficial things.
But, mothers have sex, and they continue to have sex. Sometimes that sex is good, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes that sex is often, sometimes it’s not. Sex still happens with or without the primping we once did to feel confident with ourselves.
Think about that. Do you think that the sex you’re having is better when you feel confident about yourself?
It is what it is, sex. Most adults are engaging in some sort of intercourse. It’s a given that, after we get married, we are going to consummate that marriage with sex. Then, in order to help to keep that marriage strong, along with trust and communication, we come together with our partners and make love, have sex, or you just plain want to fuck. Whichever you choose to do, it helps keep us close to our partners, and has been scientifically proven to keep marriages strong.
Sex is a natural thing. Our bodies are made to do it. We feel the desire to have sex, and it feels good, if you’re doing it right. Many of us also have the desire to start a family, with that comes children. We must have sex in order to have children, and for our race to continue. So why is it so taboo to discuss it?
Every person on this planet is here because of sex. That’s a lot of people taking part in an act that we are made to feel too embarrassed to talk about.
Do you ever stop to wonder why?
Mothers, Is the sex you’re having enjoyable?
As a mother, do you feel less sexy? Do you feel less sensual?
If the answer is yes, then why?
Because our bodies have changed? Our once perky breasts are now a little less perky than they once were? Maybe a lot less perky? Our once soft, toned tummies now show the signs of carrying a child, and then bearing that child. Foopas have become a real thing, unfortunately. Your make-up is hidden in a drawer and the form fitting clothes you used to wear are hanging in the back of the closet. Maybe you have a few more pounds that you’re worried about, caused by the insatiable appetite, and the freedom you once had, to eat anything and everything in site when you were pregnant. Believe me when I say that, 5 years later I’m still trying to loose the “baby weight”.
Perhaps you don’t think you should wear the sexy clothing you once wore, for fear that you may be judged by others. “You’re a mother now, so you need to dress like a mother”. Or, you’re so damn tired that you can’t find the energy, or time, to pick out a matching outfit to save your life. Comfort is your new motto.
But, you’re still a woman! You’re still a sexual being! And you deserve to enjoy every moment of that sexual experience.
Let me tell you a story about my life.
I have two children, 14 and 5. I work full-time and I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. For many of the 8 years of our marriage, I felt like I wasn’t sexy enough. After having my daughter, I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. My breasts weren’t as big as I thought my husband wanted, and now they sagged even more. My thighs are too big and my acne scars are a permanent blemish for everyone to see. My foopa would be out on display when I tried to wear the sexy low-waisted jeans that were in style.
I had felt somewhat pretty, until I found out my husband went to a strip club and was looking at porn sites. He would look at pictures on his cell phone, and I would also notice him checking out the large breasted women in the grocery store. Then I found porn related emails in his inbox.
Up until then, our lives had been, what I considered to be, pretty damn good. I would cook and clean for him, along with working a full-time job. I made him lunch every day, I did his laundry, and we were having regular sex. I didn’t understand why he was so unhappy with me to the point that he thought he needed to go to a strip club, look at pictures of naked women, and check out other women with big boobs at Wal-Mart.
He knew, from the start of our relationship, that porn and strip clubs were things that I hated. But, he did it anyway.
So the issue must be me, I thought. Right? I must not be pretty enough, skinny enough, and I certainly wasn’t erotic enough.
Now, 7 years later, after listening to a whole bunch of other women and mothers, men and husbands, talk about their lives and marriages, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t necessarily me that was the issue.
My husband was just dumb and selfish.
I know it sounds harsh, but I don’t mean it that way.
Men are testosterone driven individuals, and most men have a hard time realizing when they have a good thing right in front of them.
Men desire visual stimulation. And sometimes they like their partner to initiate the sexual encounters, they like a little bit of aggressive behavior. I was not any of those.
In return, I was dumb too. I didn’t realize that I could be my husbands ultimate fantasy.
What I hear from others, day after day, is that men don’t really care what you look like as long as you’re confident!
Confidence was lost to me in my relationship with my husband. It was hard for me to think of myself as a confident woman and it was hard for me to portray. It’s difficult to go from almost zero confidence, to being confident enough to be sexy again. But, I had to do it.
I had to do it for our marriage. But, most importantly, I had to do it for me! I was in a personal space where I felt like I was barely a woman anymore. I had to do it, because I wanted to do it. I want to feel wanted, I want to have great sex, I want to feel pretty. I want to be confident in myself.
After 2 years of a sexless marriage, with very poor communication, I decided that I was going to start being confident in my own skin. My Goal: To have sex with my husband, WITH THE LIGHTS ON.
Since I found my husband looking at porn, I would only have sex with the lights off. I felt so insecure about my body, because it didn’t look anything like the women he was looking at. The room had to be pitch dark for me to be naked.
This transformation didn’t happen overnight, though. No way!
Sex Is Nothing To Be Ashamed Of.
After months of listening to podcasts, with interviews of men and women from all kinds of relationship backgrounds, I realized that sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
We’re all created through sex. We’re all born with the body parts to perform sex. Unless you are a part of a religion that requires you to live a lifetime of celibacy; you have, or will have, sex of some sort throughout your life.
Of all of our differences across the globe, sex is one thing most of us all have in common. So why is it so taboo to discuss? Why are we meant to feel ashamed to do it, talk about it, or think about it? Why is it not thought of as healthy to discuss our sexuality, our likes and dislikes, our boundaries?
I’m not going to get into all of that now; but if you really sit down and think about it, sex is something that we should all be discussing responsibly, and with the right people. Including, and most importantly, our partners. Sex is something that everyone has the right to enjoy. If you’re not enjoying your sex life, there are ways to find out why.
Once I started opening up with my husband about my feelings; what I wanted, and finding out what he wanted, I was able to start exploring myself as becoming a sexual being again.
I have two children, and my body shows the signs of that. I never really listened to my husband when he said I looked beautiful, I thought he was just saying that to get on my good side.
When I started to look at myself and realize that I had qualities that he could find attractive, because I found them to be attractive in my own eyes, it opened up a whole new world.
I found that I was beautiful. I may not be perfect, my tummy and breasts sagging slightly. But I made two human beings! What an amazing accomplishment to create life, and to carry that life, in my body. Then to give birth to, and raise, two human beings. A truly incredible act that we can often take for granted.
I am beautiful. I have an ass that won’t quit, and that a few people during my life have complemented me on. I have an hour-glass figure, and a good sense of humor. I love to take care of people, and I find joy in giving acts of kindness to others. I’m a hard worker and I try to be positive. I have many good qualities that are very attractive to others, especially my husband, and the reasons why he married me in the first place.
With this new found confidence, I did something daring!
It had been a long time since I had felt any real desire to have sex. How was I going to WANT to start having sex again?
I had heard about trying something to help increase my libido that, to me, was daring. Well, not really try, since I had been doing it already on occasion. Only this time I was going to do it with my new found confidence in my body, to prepare myself for this sexual journey. Masturbation.
I know, I know! it’s so taboo to discuss something so private. Let’s be honest here, have you masturbated? The answer is probably yes! Again, something that the majority of the population does when a partner is not near by or in your life, and we feel the need for pleasure. We use our hands, or a toy, to bring us that pleasure. There should be nothing to be ashamed of to talk about, as long as we are responsible about the discussion.
I wouldn’t have been able to just start having sex with my husband after almost two years of not being sexual with him at all. We were not touching, there was no cuddling, no soft caresses to let him know that I desired him. Almost nothing but kisses hello and goodbye. I don’t think this journey would have started as well as it did without masturbation.
During this time, my husband was working nights. It was the perfect opportunity to give it a try.
So I did it.
With the lights on!
I looked at myself, and what I was doing to give myself pleasure.
I was sexy! My soft, ivory skin glowed in the soft light from the lamp on my bedside table. My breasts looked amazing as I looked down at them, and my nipples were hard.
I had an orgasm within moments.
It felt good, but to be honest, I still felt a little ashamed when I finished. I told myself I was going to keep this up until I was brave enough to initiate sex with my husband.
On the third night, before I started, I decided I was going to do something I had never done before. Another daring move that I had never done before.
I recently heard a woman, and mother, talk about doing a boudoirs photo shoot for her husband. During her photo shoot, she came to the realization that, even though her body had changed after giving birth to her two children, she could still look and feel sexy. The boudoir photos helping to prove that to her.
I wasn’t that brave, but I did have an idea.
I started by having a few glasses of wine, I needed a little liquid courage, and then I got naked. I turned on my bedside light, the soft light that I knew made my body take on a golden glow. I laid on may bed, and took a picture of me touching myself in a very erotic way. I made sure my breasts, nipples hard, were in the picture. My tummy looked flat, because I was laying on my back, my skin looked smooth. The picture showed the trimmed hair around my pleasure petals, my legs spread just enough to look sexy. And my hand on my pleasure spot, touching it erotically. The picture showed every part of my body that I knew he would enjoy seeing, but it wasn’t dirty. It was erotically beautiful.
I sent that picture to my husband, during his night shift, with a little message meant to let him know that I would be ready and willing for him when he got home.
Needless to say, he loved it!
He told me he had to finish his shift while trying to hide his erection. It brought me pleasure knowing that I could have that effect on him.
When he got home the next morning, we had a very open, communicative, and pleasurable sexual experience.
I told him what I wanted, and how I wanted him to do it. I made sure he knew and understood that he could tell me what he wanted, what he liked, and how he wanted me to do it.
It was amazing. Probably the best emotional, sexual experience of our relationship.
All because I was confident enough to open myself up to loving my body, just as it is.
Since then, we have had multiple pleasurable sexual experiences together. We have opened up our communication during sex, and in other aspects of our marriage as well. Making it even easier to come to those sexual encounters when they’re available to us.
We have also started using toys. Sex toys.
Though our sex life was starting out on a new level, and was amazing, it was still a fun idea for me to try new ways to keep him interested. I was also curious about the toys as well.
For the women; the mothers who deserve to have amazing orgasms
Have you ever wanted to experience an orgasm that you have seen your partner experience?
I have had orgasms, many actually. But I have never encountered that full body, explosive, experience that my husband seems to have every time he comes to climax.
I wanted that!
Again, I had heard the same woman, who did the boudoirs photo shoot, discussing a sex toy. One of the opinions she had about a certain toy caught my attention. She said, “If my house caught on fire, this would be the first thing I would grab.”
She called it a clit sucker. Doesn’t that sound amazing?!
She was specifically talking about a sex toy, that she sells on her Instagram account, called the Lelo Sona.
I told my husband that I wanted to try it out. He couldn’t wait to order it, so he purchased a similar item from a local shop. The one he bought can also be found on the same website, here. (Which, again, I have no affiliation with.) It may sound a little odd, but it looks like a penguin.
The reason why I’m giving you the links to find these items is because the woman was right! I would absolutely grab this toy if my house was ablaze, before then heading to my kid’s rooms to save them.
This little device, that looks a little weird I have to admit, gave me the most intense orgasm OF MY LIFE!
After my husband and I had intercourse, that I enjoyed fully, but didn’t climax during, he used the Penguin on me. I can’t even begin to describe the intensity of orgasm it brought. But my body shook and I came like I had never done before. It was amazing!
To the mothers, the women, who have read this post in its entirety, I come to try and help you to realize that you are still a sexual and sensual woman. Maybe you had felt that way at one point before or after becoming a mom. She may be hidden away, under legos and yoga pants, but she’s there! You just have to find her.
And the only thing you need to do is be confident. You don’t need the make-up, the heels, the hair, unless it helps you get to that point. You just need to look at yourself and find what;s been there this entire time, your individuality. Your beauty, your good qualities.
Maybe you’ve never really felt sexual or sensual, but you’d like to now. There are many ways for you to begin your own journey. Consider listening to a sexual communication coach, Leah Carey, at the Good Girls Talk About Sex podcast.
You don’t have to change anything about yourself, except for how you perceive yourself to be. You are a confident and beautiful woman, who has created life. The woman who holds your family together, does all of the tasks, makes appointments, wipes noses and butts, and who deserves to feel beautiful and sexy.
You are beautiful and you are sexy!
Wanna read some of life’s crazy moments from a mom that’s not quite sure what she’s doing? Head over to WhyMommaWhy.blog.
Thanks for reading!