Anxiety, Blog, Depression, Marriage, Uncategorized, Women

Marriage is Fucking Hard

There is a lot to be said about a couple who can stay together through the test of time.

My husband and I are not one of those couples. Our marriage was been doomed from the very beginning.

Lies, betrayal, anger, hatred, jealousy, fear.

I have looked and watched other couples, wishing in my head that I could find the perfect person for me, because I knew that it wasn’t the man that I married.

So many regrets can happen over a span of 10 years, But, In a life-time, 10 years can be a small chunk of time.

I want someone who can make me laugh, who is kind (to me and to others). Someone who loves animals, because I have many. I want someone who will make me feel special and beautiful. Someone who will love my children. I want to be with someone who feels they can be honest with me, and who I feel I can be honest with in return. I want to be with someone who will be my best friend.

Most of all, I want someone who is true to themselves, and to me in return.

I’m tired of this “I’ll pretend to like what you like” bullshit that always seems to be how relationships start for me. Then, the truth comes out – sometimes years later. Hidden jealousies, anger issues, possessiveness, etc. etc. etc.

My marriage is over.

The end of our marriage, to many, started with a lie. A lie that I should have never fed.

But, the real end started all those years ago. What did I say, 10 years ago? But you never think that the issues you see in the beginning will continue. Surely, they will see the love you give them, and the things you do for them, are not deserving of lies.

For some people, love seems to come so easily to them. But, what happens behind closed doors? What’s happening in their lives that makes that love possible? Is it even real love, or just a cover to make their lives seem like they have their shit together?

Are they truthful with each other, kind to each other, attentive to each other’s needs?

Or is one of them always sacrificing their happiness so that the love that they show looks so flawless?

Why can’t people be real? Why do we feel like we have to hide ourselves in a relationship? What does doing these things do to your relationship later?

My marriage is over because I gave and gave and gave, until I couldn’t give anymore.

I started to take.

I started to take what I felt I wanted, what I needed, what I deserved.

But, as it seems to happen, what I thought I deserved didn’t seem so deserving of me in that end either.

I hate to sound jaded, but dammit! Why is it so hard to just be real with someone? Why, when I’m real with people, it’s either overlooked and unappreciated, or feared and ignored.

I’m getting more sick of people by the second. I just can’t seem to find someone who’s willing to be real with me.

I encourage you to be real in your relationships. With your friends and with your partner.

If your not being real, then what is that person with you for?

If you’re not being vulnerable to opening yourself up to others, do they really love you for you?

Maybe you have opened yourself up to others and your in my position and tired of the shit you get in return.

You’re fucked, either way, it seems.

Relationships are fucking hard.

Wanna read some of life’s crazy moments from a mom that’s not quite sure what she’s doing? Head over to WhyMommaWhy.blog.

Thanks for reading!

9 thoughts on “Marriage is Fucking Hard”

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