A Worried Mother’s Shopping List

Milk – need to research about healthy milk for kids to drink.

Eggs- free range. Are all brown eggs free range?

Chicken- antibiotic free if I can afford it.

Hamburger meat- grass fed $$$

Snacks- try to find healthy snacks my kids will eat and that I won’t waste my money on because my husband won’t eat healthy either.

Tin foil- get heavy duty this time cause you curse every time the thin stuff tears

Crock pot bags- cause you’re too lazy to scrub the crock pot out after foods been baking in it for 10 hours.

Coffee- lots and lots of coffee

Creamer- french vanilla- yum- don’t forget it’s gotta be sugar free, fatty.

Ibuprofen- self explanatory

Tampons/panty liners- Cause being a woman sucks

Facial cleanser- cause acne sucks

Razor blades- ones that won’t make my legs feel like they’re on fire-because being a woman sucks.

Shampoo/conditioner- one for dry hair/splint ends/ color treated/thinning hair, if they even make that in one brand.

Vagisil deodorizing spray- no reason needed.

Mac & Cheese- for those hard days when you’re trying to figure out something for dinner that everyone will eat without complaining.

Melatonin- so you’re not up all night wondering about all the mistakes you’ve made.

Bread without crust- to save time and stop wasting precious crust on your picky kids.

Mayonnaise- cause Miracle Whip is a liar.

Vegetables- I wouldn’t be a mom without forcing my kids to eat something that won’t kill them (note: research veggies that won’t kill my family)

Lettuce, celery, tomatoes, carrots- cause you’re on a diet and if you eat anything else you’re going to feel guilty. Plus, the dogs like carrots.

Potatoes: we’ll try not to grow them right in the bag this time.

Rice a Roni: San Fransisco seems to think it’s a treat, maybe my kids will eat it.

Apples, bananas, oranges- trying to get some source of sugar while dieting.

Peanut Butter- for the apples

Cereal- can I even find one that my kids (and husband) will eat that’s not covered in sugar or chocolate?

Children’s Vitamins- I can’t miss another day of work, holding the garbage can and hoping she makes it in.

Dog food- 3 bags, cat food- 2 bags. Note to self: learn to say “No” to needy animals.

No, I will not buy you fruit snacks. You’ll eat them all in one day. Or your dad will eat them all and it will make you cry. Again.

Ok, I’ll buy you fruit snacks if they’re organic and made from 100% fruit juice it you’ll stop crying now.

Ok, stop crying and I’ll let you pick out whatever fruit snacks you want.

No, I will not buy you candy

No, I will not buy you soda

Wine

Snickers bar- for mom’s drive home